I'm not a terrible parent and my son is not a bad boy!

Six and a half years ago our family was blessed by a beautiful baby. He was the sweetest and best newborn of all of our kids. He slept all the time, hardly ever cried, and easy going. About 3 months old we already started seeing that he was going to be an ACTIVE and very intelligent child. He learned how to roll over and learned that if he wanted to get somewhere all he had to do was keep rolling to get it. He would roll and roll until he rolled into something and couldn't figure out how to roll away. He learned how to squirm his little body out of his bumbo seat about this time also. Once he started eating in a high chair he learned to squirm out of the belt and stand up in his high chair, from then on he would only eat standing up. We found all these things funny, frustrating, and shocking. We knew he was going to be keeping us on our toes all his life.
As he got older more and more things started to get worse or new "bad habits" were coming up. In the back of our minds we knew that this wasn't "normal" behavior but we loved him and kept trying to work with him. We tried everything we could think to break him of his "bad behaviors" but nothing seemed to be working. All this time we knew that it was quite possible that our child had ADHD but the hippie girl in me said I will not put my child on medication! I didn't want my child to be drugged!

As he started Kindergarten I still held to my ground my son is not going to be on drugs! After the first week of Kindergarten we got the first call that we needed to go meet with his teacher. First of all I must say if I knew what I know now I would've went and fought to have my child move classes. That teacher meeting was probably the worse I've ever had! She sat us down and told us how far behind he was, that he had a hard time not talking, won't sit still, and doesn't follow directions. She couldn't believe this coming from a "teacher's child." Yes! She said that! I was so upset and angry at her that I didn't say anything! My husband tried to tell her that we will work with him and etc... but I just wanted to yell and scream at her! This first experience with school I wasn't prepared and never thought of people thinking that my child was the way he was because of my "bad parenting". Was he this way because of me? I ended up sending her an email later explaining to her my sons background and how he is a very smart kid but he does things on his own time table. This kid stood up one day and started walking and never fell down again. He potty trained himself after telling me one day that he wanted to use the big potty and no more diapers. He didn't really talk much and people started getting worried until one day he started talking in full sentences! No joke, he does things on his own time table.
Soon after that his grades started improving but his behavioral issues were out of control. I started getting emails about his behavior, my husband worked at the same school and would get pulled aside to discuss my sons behavior that day, then he started getting sent to the principals office. I am not an emotional person but I would cry almost weekly about what to do about him. Why couldn't people see my son's good side? Why couldn't he show people his good side more often? I knew at this time that my son had ADHD, it wasn't clinically diagnosed but I just knew. I didn't want to talk to a doctor about it because I was afraid they would talk me into putting him on medication, my baby was only 5 years old I wasn't going to do that. I could handle this! Next step was trying to change his diet, I was so sure that this was going to work! I read countless blogs and articles about how their child had ADHD and how just changing their diet helped and they never had to be on medication. After a few months of this and no improvement (he actually seemed to get worse!) I felt completely lost. The final string was when he got suspended from school for a day for allegedly pushing a kid. This was luckily towards the end of the year and we barely made it through Kindergarten. I knew we had to figure out something, this couldn't go on! I finally decided it was time to talk to his pediatrician. This was only a month before we moved and I just wanted her advice on what we should do. The pediatrician just brushed it off and said pretty much boys will be boys and some are more aggressive then others. So I went away from that appointment thinking it is just me and I'm a terrible parent that can't control her child.
Starting of First grade! We had high hopes for our son this year! New school, new area, he could start from scratch! We talked to him non stop on being the best that he could be! He was excited to start over! After the first week we got the letter saying his teacher wanted to meet with us....and here it goes again! Same things he talks too much, won't sit still, he distracts others in the class so they can't learn, he won't listen, and he can't concentrate on his work. He was once again placed in a desk away from the other kids. This time I didn't hold it in and started crying right there in front of his teacher. Not my finest moment! I couldn't take it any more. I literally didn't know what else to do with my son! He was out of control! And what hurt the most is I realized that my stubbornness of not putting him on medication was affecting his grades and his life. He could be so much more! After much talking to Ryan and of course lots of prayer, we decided it was time to talk to a pediatrician around here that could help, hopefully. It was terrifying because not knowing any doctors around here. I literally said a prayer and closed my eyes and pointed to a doctor on our list of doctors our insurance covers. Well I hit the jackpot after I called I found out that at this clinic they have a doctor that specializes in behavioral problems! The first appointment I told them everything we were dealing with and told them right away I am afraid to give him medication because I don't want to change who he is. They reaffirmed me that if it was changing him then it was too much medication and to notify her right away. It shouldn't make them zombies it is just there to help him focus. After we had to fill out an observation sheet about him and his behaviors and his teacher did also. Our assumptions were confirmed he was diagnosed with ADHD.
We decided to start him on medication and yes even though it has taking some trail and error and we have been told what works this week might not work next week we have seen great improvement! His teacher keeps us in contact if she sees any behavioral changes good or bad and is really trying her hardest to work with him. Ever since being on medication he went from being one of the lowest readers in his grade to being now the highest reader in his class! His grades are all at the top of his class. We are so proud of him. Yes, he still has some things behavioral wise that he needs to work on but his behavior in class went from getting a note every day to getting smiley stickers everyday.
I realized that my feelings about medicating my son might not have been what was best for my son. He would come home all the time saying "I'm just a bad boy!" he didn't have a lot of friends because he had a hard time controlling himself and sometimes would do mean things to them. I realized that I wasn't helping my son at all by not medicating him I was holding him back and ruining his self esteem.

Ryan recently found out about this book called, "Raising Boys with ADHD" I love it! Not only does it have good advice but it also has been a confirmation to me that it's not my fault and my son isn't a bad kid. There is a part in there that talks about medicating you son, it said that if your son needed eye glasses to focus on his work you would buy them for him so he could focus and the same thing can be said about medicating your ADHD son. So true!
I also realized that there are several reasons why I didn't want to medicate him. One of those being the negativity that people have on parents that "drug" their children. I think a lot of the world sees medicating a child as an easy way out. Can't control your kid medicate them! Which in all honesty before I had one of these children I was one of those. Hence the reason I didn't want to medicate him. I wanted to work this out on me own. Which brings me to the second reason, I felt like I had failed as a parent if I had to medicate my son. This one has been the hardest for me to realize and say out loud.
I'm not saying that treating ADHD with medication is the only way. Every case is different., severities are different. We decided to take this approach after we tried everything else. I do believe that counseling is very important no matter what way you treat it. Your child suffers self esteem wise greatly! ADHD effects the whole family. We are all still trying to adjust and figure out how to make this work for our whole family so nobody feels left out. Believe me my son takes up A LOT of our time and focus. My next advice is if you feel like your child may have it find a professional to talk to about it. I remember asking other people who's children had ADD/ADHD and they told me, "oh no he doesn't have it if he isn't really behind in school. That just sounds like behavioral issues." Which I know the person didn't mean to hurt my feelings but it did and so that just made me be harder on him because I thought he was just acting out trying to get away with things. Which is not true at all. Also check out the book that I have mentioned. It really has been a comfort for me.

As stressful and frustrating as this has been I wouldn't change my baby boy! I know that later on in life if we treat it that right way this disability is going to be a tremendous strength to him. He is an extremely intelligent child, very talented, and very loving. I know that we are just at the beginning of this and I know that we will meet new challenges a long the way but as they say in the book, "Look at every situation that arises as simply another puzzle with a solution."
I was very weary about posting this because really I didn't want anyone to know about it (we all just want to share our happy moments in life, right), but the more I have thought about it  and the more I realized that going through this there are so many negative articles about ADHD and medicating that I wanted to share our own experience and let the world know that I am not a bad parent for trying everything I can to help my child. Instead of casting negativity share your own experience and see if you can help someone else that is trying to find help. And if you don't have a child dealing with this then really your opinion doesn't matter. haha! So I hope this helps someone else out there even if it is to help them be more informed.

What makes you happy?

In our family lately we have been focusing a lot on choosing to be happy. I don't know if it is the winter blues, tiredness, or defiance but our children have been having a really hard time realizing their life is not as hard or miserable as they might think. Yes, we all have our hard days or sometimes weeks but as I have learned there are those who seem to always have a dark rain cloud hanging over their heads all the time. I think often about these type of people and try to figure out why they are the way they are. Don't get me wrong I know there are those who are clinically depressed. I'm not trying to down play that, I know first hand that people who are clinically depressed are not wanting to be that way. I'm talking about those that are always finding the negatives in life. Walking outside and seeing it raining or snowing, right away complaining that it's raining/snowing again but then when it's hot or warm complaining that it is too hot and you just want it to rain. Complaining because you are so busy you never have time for anything and then when you do have moments of downtime complaining because you have nothing to do and you are so bored. Fighting with siblings because they won't play with you but when they do complain because they won't play what you want them to play. Complaining about having to wash the dishes or clean your room instead of being happy that at least you have running water and a room to clean. Complaining about your job instead of being grateful that you have a job to take care of yourself/family. These are the types of behaviors I'm talking about.
I am a happy person I strive to find happy people and the happy things in life. After living somewhere, where there was so much negativity and unhappy people it was scary to see how much it changed who I was. The way other people are really can affect ourselves if we allow it. I think of myself as a "hippie girl" the whole peace, love and happiness attitude I wish could exist in this world. Imagine everyone thinking of the positive things in life every day, it would make this world so much of a happier place. Unfortunately reality is that will never happen so what can we do to make ourselves happy?

I can't help to think of Happy Gilmore  (sorry to all those anti Adam Sandler fans) but it does have a good point. Happy, (Adam Sandler) has a big temper as he is training to become a golfer his trainer tells him to think of his "happy place" before he loses his temper. "Close your eyes and think about your happy place. What does it look like? Who is with you? What are you doing?" For Happy, it included a midget riding around on a bike but each of us have our own "happy place." My happy place is being with those that I love and make me happy. I honestly just want people to be happy. I am happy when my loved ones are happy. Laughter is a big thing in my life! If there is no laughter then I don't see a point. (Hence my love for comedies)

For our family I read a story I found in the Family Home Evening Resource Book, that The Church of Latter Day Saints put out. It is about a man named Viktor Frankl. He was a prisoner in a concentration camp during WWII, he talks about how they were told what to do every day of their life . They were told when to sleep, when to eat, what they wore, what they ate, and they were very cruel to them. With all that going on he said this later on,  “We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. … They offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way." Viktor Frankl found out that no one could force him to be bitter and angry, no matter how much they hurt him. He could still enjoy the beauties of nature; he could love and show kindness to other people. I pointed out to my kids that this guy really was living in awful circumstances and he refused to let the circumstances change his attitude. This I think really hit home for one of my kids that whenever something doesn't go his way he/she breaks down in tears and stomps of to his room. We've talked to them about ways that we can change our attitude and positive ways of expressing ourselves if we are having a hard day or week. But most of all striving for happiness.

My point is that life isn't always going to be happy and everything will go our way. We are going to meet obstacles along the way. As tough as those obstacles are they are meant to be there to make us stronger. I can promise you that if we find what makes us happy and not focus so much on the negative things in life we will be a happier people. Be the person that brings others up not down. So now I challenge all of you think what makes you happy?